RockBottom

yeah. so yesterday was the 1st time I've felt my lowest in a very long time. I hit the ground hard and I didn't think there was any recovery from that. But i spoke to a good friend of mine who really told me the truth. I'm not living. I go on day by day miserable because of something i cant control. She told me I'm killing my self over this every night. She was right. She told me I'm holding myself back. She was right (again). She told me I'm going to become an old hag and that she wouldn't be able to roll with me. She was right. I love her. But anyways. I beat myself up every night, losing sleep, waiting and thinking and crying. I feel outside of myself. I look in the mirror and don't recognize me sometimes. Its crazy how one can transform from an independent person, to a dependent pathetic feeble person. I'm not dependent and i refuse to go on like I am. Its gon be hard. But i have my own life to live. Your are your life and thats it. Live it wisely.

heavy eyes, heavy heart

"These cuts that I've caused, are never too deep to heal, peel back the bandage, see the scars, from countless careless things, feel yourself drifting,pull away, well nothing feels real anymore...."

"The fear sets in, of knowing how short our time is, shortness of the time, not a single excuse to prove that we were meant for this, everything starts to spin, all at once, IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING STRANGE IN MY VOICE.....OH ITS CONVICTION DETEST MY WORDS..THEY HAVE NO ILL MEANING." 

sitting here listening to my fav band....mind racing...again...NO PEACE in a while. Losing my mind. Things dont feel real anymore. Got lonely days ahead of me. Nite.

  

sleep horrors

ugh. 4:07 am. Im up. Had a stupid nightmare. About who? My little brother. Now you KNOW he gotta be something if he's giving me nightmares. Sitting up talking to a friend. Getting hungry. Felt like blogging. Hehhhehe blogging. Word is funny. Yea. Um. Yea. Later

=]

Enjoy the musica.

You could change the song at the bottom of the page if you want....SMARTIES.

-nite.....ARI

As the story is told.....

She stands in front of her bathroom mirror. Wipes the steam away. Arranges the items around her sink so they look neat. "Clean freak" she says to herself. She flips her hair back and stares into the mirror. She is looking for more than what's there. She needs answers. Answers to questions she's scared to ask. The walls begin to talk, they begin to close in. In a panic, she runs to the only place she feels comfortable, where the walls whisper sweet nothings and the music soothes her soul. Just in her towel she plops herself into her bed. The house is quiet. No one is home. Her thoughts are too loud and are driving her crazy. Too many running around at once. Cluttering her mind. She hates clutter. Suddenly she hears keys juggling. 7:00pm. "Shit" she whispers. Dad's home. More like the gates of hell has opened. He goes straight to her room. She's fumbling to put clothes on as he bombards his way into her room. She slides into a corner on her bed."No need to get fancy for me" he says with a sinister smirk on his face. She squirms. "Stop looking so scared girlie, I just came in here to say hi" he says as he runs his hand up her thigh. She shudders. "Be back in a few... store run" he says with a wink. He turns and leaves the room. The one place she feels comfortable, wanted, has been turned into a hell hole, where the walls taunt her and the music cuts her flesh like little razors. She decides she cant take this anymore. She undresses. Runs to the bathroom and runs a bath. Steps out and goes into her Dad's office and grabs his 9mm. As she is walking back to the bathroom, naked, her father walks in the house. "All this for me"? he says. Disgusted, she entertains him. "Yes, daddy all for you. I have something special for you if follow me into the bathroom". she says teasing him. Without hesitation, her sick fuck of a father follows her. She lays in the tub, with the gun behind her back. She tells him to close his eyes. He does so, excitedly. She pulls out the gun. "Open your eyes father". He does so. She pulls the trigger. Blood and brains splatters against every wall..... "911. How can we be of assistance?" Frantically, "My, My, My, Oh MY Gosh, She blew her brain out, she blew her brains out. My daughter, Oh GOD!!!!!!"......and thats how the story goes.

Something Light

I felt this song went with the theme of the blog post tonight about love so here's a little bit of EMAROSA for ya:

HER ADVICE COST US A LIFE

It was all simple words, playful at best

So the story starts...

Who am I to say that she's missing out on anything worth effort these days?

She lays in an empty room, unconscious, as the day passes her by

(thats not all)

Right away, we fell into each other head first

Not even the shallow sign could stop it when our souls met

Now its up to us to keep this strong

Little did we know that it planted, something that would tear us apart

The miles start to hurt

The days begin to kill

Its all in your eyes

The smell of your smoke perfume

Soon love turns to lust, then back to....

Nothing.... nothing.

Inflated Infatuation

Seems like as time goes by, "love" is getting more common. Remember when the avg. relationship was like 2 weeks and one would get "hype" after that 2 week mark? Then it jumped to 5 months and that's when sex became part of the equation, like there was some type of deadline. Now it seems like everyone is together for at least a year. This makes me think that the 1 year mark is not as special and shouldn't be treated as such. This also makes staying in a relationship harder. You see, if every one's getting into relationships and its lasting a year it makes it seem like anyone could do it. Thus giving off the impression that love is common thing and if you lose it now you could get it back. THIS SHOULD NOT BE THE CASE. I think if you find love now, and not love by society's standards, but love by YOUR standards, you should stick with it and make an effort towards it. Its a beautiful thing with all its flaws and deformities. The whole "pimp" thing is overrated. Been there. Done that. Took pictures. Came back and smacked you with them. It doesn't feel the same as having that one that you know you can go to with anything on looking like anything and saying anything. Also there's no stability in it. Not saying that there's stability in a relationship cause when you really think about it there isn't that's why people cheat. But there's a false sense of stability that's feels INCREDIBLE. Love is one of those undefined words that you just can't really grasp. It changes you. IT CAN (and most likely will if its true love) DRIVE YOU CRAZY. Love reminds me of a class in school. In the beginning its easy and smooth rolling. But as time goes on and you get deeper into the class you get more tests and the tests get harder. Love is just like that. IT TESTS YOU EVERY CHANCE IT GETS. And the tests get harder and bigger and the stakes are raised. One good thing about love is that it teaches you morals. Right from Wrong. Teaches you valuable lessons.......... Sitting here eating Chinese food writing this blog makes me wonder about my own situation. In all my relationships (not many), I never had to rely on sheer faith to keep us together. Its a scary thing too. With the situation being as it is (he's away at college), I get scared everyday that it might be the day things end. I mean with him being "busy" with whatever he's doing, i don't really get a good fair chance to speak to him. Its easy for me to feel as if I'm being pushed aside. I don't really say much. I don't want to be a burden but sheesh can a sister feel some type of love over here (seriously). I'm not used to being away from him for such a long time and i don't think he understands how deep it cuts. Like I've spoke to his brother more (whose down north Carolina (LOVE YOU RAY!) and left earlier than him) than i have him. I mean he says "i love you" and "i miss you" and i believe him but i mean i guess we're just at different levels of "love" and "miss". Cant force anyone to see things your way i guess. All i want is to feel as if he never left, if that's even possible. If it isn't, then just give me, for a split second (OK maybe more than that), the peace of mind that things will be OK. Oh yeah and to add on to the freaking anxiety of that, I'm going off to college my self next year. LIKE WTF WILL HAPPEN THEN!!!???!!! Maybe I'm holding on to strong. Or maybe I'm holding on to something i shouldn't. I don't know but I'm going to continue holding on until my arms fall off. I love him. That much i know. Don't know where I'll end up, but i know in the end it'll be a lesson learned. (I LOVE HIM 6-3-07)

Epiphany

Just sitting here thinking and talking to a great friend of mine.

A couple realizations of the night:

1. I love Nico =]
2. Emarosa went into my head, took my thoughts, and put them to music. BEST BAND EVER.
3. I'm am a hopeless romantic. The little shit DOES count. I like the little slip ins of I LOVE YOU's and YOUR BEAUTIFUL even when i look and feel like ass. The impromptu dates to random little places. Soft kisses, soft touches. Too bad the ONE I'm with doesn't see it the same. Maybe it ends after the first few months. I thought it took years like with old married couples. Guess not. Only been like 16 months (translates to a year and 4 months but whose counting) but damn this shit ended like after the 11Th month....shit sucks.
4. My mental stability left when HE did. I find myself outside of myself sometimes. I like it and i don't. Weird.
5. I think a lot of girls look for the absent love of their fathers... within their boyfriends. NOT HEALTHY. Because when they leave... and start doing them, its EASY (as 1.2.3.) to feel neglected and unwanted. That eventually leads to them looking for that love in other boys. And its down hill from there.
6. We, as human beings, give the power to anyone and everyone to validate our existence. It could be the most disgusting, vile person and we give it up so easy. Maybe in impossible not to. Because when you think about it, if you don't, you wont feel like you really exist unless someone says you do.
7. Music saves a little of my sanity. Clears my thoughts.. Well helps explain them.

And last but not least

    

     8.  You are your life. And nothing else. Make it worth while.

g'nite...again....foreal this time...i think

=]

Oh yeah...a little bit of EMAROSA for ya. JUST A LITTLE BIT.

HEADS OR TAILS REAL OR NOT

You loved it when my heart dropped

You paused, stopped, and walked away

Full of content that it went your away

These cuts that I've caused

Are never too deep to heal

Peel back the bandage , see the scars

From countless careless things

Feel yourself drifting, pulled away

Well, nothing feels real anymore

Im not taking my time anymore

TO show you how i feel 

TO show you who i am

Cause its locked away

Just my Luck

No real blogging tonight.

Sick.

PMS.

g'nite my pretties. 

PS. Feeling like shit physically DOESN'Tmesh well with feeling like shit mentally.

I really rather have my peace of mind....any day.

signed:ARI-HUETTE

Don't BLINK.....

So yeah today was a VERY long day.

The longest this week so far.

Seems like I was needed in different places all at once... well I was but I HATE that feeling.

People really got on my nerves today.

I'm captain of my dance team at school so today was the second session of auditions. On top of the 15 most shy, timid, uncooperative girls and the 2 crazy ass boys i had yesterday, i got a good 10 more today. And the best part about that (TOTAL SARCASM) was the fact that i only had 3 people helping me. Everybody CONVENIENTLY had something to do.... including me. I had to go downtown to the Foundation Center to look up grants and things for college. Jumping back to tryouts. These girls just couldn't grasp how serious this was to me. So i had to pull a bitch move. I cut like 8 girls in the middle of practice. I just couldn't take the bullshit anymore. I was getting ready to curse these people out. When the cuts were over the atmosphere felt so much better. All in all i got some good girls today. The whole Foundation Center thing was cool.

Changed my whole outlook on things. This leads me into what i really want to write about..

Today was the 1st time a piece of literature changed the way i view the world. Yeah the teacher always asks "How has this affected you?" and you give the bullshit answer "Its like changed the way i see things blah blah blah." But today i can truly honestly say I've been changed. Its this play we're reading in English titled No exit by Jean-Paul Sartre. There are 3 characters that are put in hell together in one room with no eyelids,constant light, 3 couches, mantle piece, an ugly statue, and a paper knife. Throughout the play (which is mighty short (46 pages)) the characters discuss their stories and reasons as to why they're in hell, go through their trials and tribulations, and towards the end one of the character makes the realest statement ever. He says You remember all we were told about the torture chambers,the fire... old wives tales!... There is no need for red hot pokers..HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE. I read this and said OH SHIT. He's absolutely right. When you think about it, there are just those people that are put here to torture you whether physically or mentally or both. We are literally in hell on earth now. This kind of eases my mind about death. Weird. But it does. Also, songs really changed my outlook on things. Its this one band whose songs tend to open my eyes to certain things. Their songs are more like poems that don't rhyme that are put to music. SO TOUGH!!!... I gotta see em in concert. Like listening to music today, like my song selection, almost made me break down into tears... ON THE TRAIN. I dead serious shed a tear. It was really moving. Maybe because everything seemed to relate to me. They say that when you're sad or feeling some type of way (TEEN SLANG) everything seems to relate. Been feeling a little lonely but I'll get to that later.

This was the soft side of ARI..don't get used to it. >=/

So yeah, I'm off this bloggers until tomorrow.......

Oh yea i know you're wondering... where are the mind games i was hinting at? Don't worry... I like to lure my victims in b4 twisting their brains like little tight dred-locks (weird analogy... yeah i know). HAVE A NICE NITE

Prelude: .....Here she comes

Hey bloggers... name's Ari. 

New to blogspot. 

Just started writing because this is a way to clear my mind at the end of everyday. Also it's kind of like talking to someone when you don't have anyone (at the moment) to talk to.

I didn't really want to start a blog because it seems like a fad but hey what the hell... I'm bored... so i might as well.

Well I'll be writing lots of stories here about my daily life... some may be factual... others may be a little fictional. YOU'D NEVER KNOW. Unless I tell you. Which I wont. Now the ball is in my court and that's where it will stay. When your at my page you are believing what I tell you to believe. That's the major fun in all this. As of now i'll keep it short and sweet. Thanks and come again. There are wonders that await you....... LATER!

oh yeah by the way... my name is NOT really Ari...I just like it a lot  =)