From the heart

Night after night she lies alone with just her thoughts to keep her company. The smooth music playing with her ears calms her soul. This is how she unwinds at night. Cherry Martinez (105.1 Sexy in the city) playing in the distance helps her sleep. Eyes get heavy, hearts get light, and off to dream land she goes... She feels his touch. A simple hug sends chills up her and down her spine. His face she cant see but its his touch she longs for. The sheer thought of this mystery man parts her dream clouds and the scene begins. Standing around a deserted neighborhood at night,she waits. The mystery man creeps up behind her, so slyly, she doesn't sense him. He touches her shoulder and tells her not to turn around. He whispers sweet things in her ear while caressing her neck. He plants sweet kisses from her ear to her collarbone and back up to her ear. He puts his hands around her waist, feeling her shape, enjoying every curve. She easily melts into his arms. Pressing up against her, he kisses the back of her neck, biting ever so softly. She shudders. Oh how long she's waited for this night. He softly grabs her hand as she grips his for dear life. She never wants to let go. They go for a sweet stroll in the moonlight. Sitting on a park bench, she lies her head on his chest in sheer bliss. He leans down and tells her how beautiful she is. She turns so she's facing him. After gazing into each others eyes, her hands her a note. As she begins opening the note, the light goes dim and he begins to fade. She reaches out to him, but in the blink of an eye he is gone, into oblivion. She wakes up in a cold sweat. She looks around her empty bedroom, looks down at her empty bed. Tears start to stream down her face. "Everything was just a dream......"

RockBottom

yeah. so yesterday was the 1st time I've felt my lowest in a very long time. I hit the ground hard and I didn't think there was any recovery from that. But i spoke to a good friend of mine who really told me the truth. I'm not living. I go on day by day miserable because of something i cant control. She told me I'm killing my self over this every night. She was right. She told me I'm holding myself back. She was right (again). She told me I'm going to become an old hag and that she wouldn't be able to roll with me. She was right. I love her. But anyways. I beat myself up every night, losing sleep, waiting and thinking and crying. I feel outside of myself. I look in the mirror and don't recognize me sometimes. Its crazy how one can transform from an independent person, to a dependent pathetic feeble person. I'm not dependent and i refuse to go on like I am. Its gon be hard. But i have my own life to live. Your are your life and thats it. Live it wisely.

heavy eyes, heavy heart

"These cuts that I've caused, are never too deep to heal, peel back the bandage, see the scars, from countless careless things, feel yourself drifting,pull away, well nothing feels real anymore...."

"The fear sets in, of knowing how short our time is, shortness of the time, not a single excuse to prove that we were meant for this, everything starts to spin, all at once, IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING STRANGE IN MY VOICE.....OH ITS CONVICTION DETEST MY WORDS..THEY HAVE NO ILL MEANING." 

sitting here listening to my fav band....mind racing...again...NO PEACE in a while. Losing my mind. Things dont feel real anymore. Got lonely days ahead of me. Nite.

  

sleep horrors

ugh. 4:07 am. Im up. Had a stupid nightmare. About who? My little brother. Now you KNOW he gotta be something if he's giving me nightmares. Sitting up talking to a friend. Getting hungry. Felt like blogging. Hehhhehe blogging. Word is funny. Yea. Um. Yea. Later

=]

Enjoy the musica.

You could change the song at the bottom of the page if you want....SMARTIES.

-nite.....ARI

As the story is told.....

She stands in front of her bathroom mirror. Wipes the steam away. Arranges the items around her sink so they look neat. "Clean freak" she says to herself. She flips her hair back and stares into the mirror. She is looking for more than what's there. She needs answers. Answers to questions she's scared to ask. The walls begin to talk, they begin to close in. In a panic, she runs to the only place she feels comfortable, where the walls whisper sweet nothings and the music soothes her soul. Just in her towel she plops herself into her bed. The house is quiet. No one is home. Her thoughts are too loud and are driving her crazy. Too many running around at once. Cluttering her mind. She hates clutter. Suddenly she hears keys juggling. 7:00pm. "Shit" she whispers. Dad's home. More like the gates of hell has opened. He goes straight to her room. She's fumbling to put clothes on as he bombards his way into her room. She slides into a corner on her bed."No need to get fancy for me" he says with a sinister smirk on his face. She squirms. "Stop looking so scared girlie, I just came in here to say hi" he says as he runs his hand up her thigh. She shudders. "Be back in a few... store run" he says with a wink. He turns and leaves the room. The one place she feels comfortable, wanted, has been turned into a hell hole, where the walls taunt her and the music cuts her flesh like little razors. She decides she cant take this anymore. She undresses. Runs to the bathroom and runs a bath. Steps out and goes into her Dad's office and grabs his 9mm. As she is walking back to the bathroom, naked, her father walks in the house. "All this for me"? he says. Disgusted, she entertains him. "Yes, daddy all for you. I have something special for you if follow me into the bathroom". she says teasing him. Without hesitation, her sick fuck of a father follows her. She lays in the tub, with the gun behind her back. She tells him to close his eyes. He does so, excitedly. She pulls out the gun. "Open your eyes father". He does so. She pulls the trigger. Blood and brains splatters against every wall..... "911. How can we be of assistance?" Frantically, "My, My, My, Oh MY Gosh, She blew her brain out, she blew her brains out. My daughter, Oh GOD!!!!!!"......and thats how the story goes.

Something Light

I felt this song went with the theme of the blog post tonight about love so here's a little bit of EMAROSA for ya:

HER ADVICE COST US A LIFE

It was all simple words, playful at best

So the story starts...

Who am I to say that she's missing out on anything worth effort these days?

She lays in an empty room, unconscious, as the day passes her by

(thats not all)

Right away, we fell into each other head first

Not even the shallow sign could stop it when our souls met

Now its up to us to keep this strong

Little did we know that it planted, something that would tear us apart

The miles start to hurt

The days begin to kill

Its all in your eyes

The smell of your smoke perfume

Soon love turns to lust, then back to....

Nothing.... nothing.

Inflated Infatuation

Seems like as time goes by, "love" is getting more common. Remember when the avg. relationship was like 2 weeks and one would get "hype" after that 2 week mark? Then it jumped to 5 months and that's when sex became part of the equation, like there was some type of deadline. Now it seems like everyone is together for at least a year. This makes me think that the 1 year mark is not as special and shouldn't be treated as such. This also makes staying in a relationship harder. You see, if every one's getting into relationships and its lasting a year it makes it seem like anyone could do it. Thus giving off the impression that love is common thing and if you lose it now you could get it back. THIS SHOULD NOT BE THE CASE. I think if you find love now, and not love by society's standards, but love by YOUR standards, you should stick with it and make an effort towards it. Its a beautiful thing with all its flaws and deformities. The whole "pimp" thing is overrated. Been there. Done that. Took pictures. Came back and smacked you with them. It doesn't feel the same as having that one that you know you can go to with anything on looking like anything and saying anything. Also there's no stability in it. Not saying that there's stability in a relationship cause when you really think about it there isn't that's why people cheat. But there's a false sense of stability that's feels INCREDIBLE. Love is one of those undefined words that you just can't really grasp. It changes you. IT CAN (and most likely will if its true love) DRIVE YOU CRAZY. Love reminds me of a class in school. In the beginning its easy and smooth rolling. But as time goes on and you get deeper into the class you get more tests and the tests get harder. Love is just like that. IT TESTS YOU EVERY CHANCE IT GETS. And the tests get harder and bigger and the stakes are raised. One good thing about love is that it teaches you morals. Right from Wrong. Teaches you valuable lessons.......... Sitting here eating Chinese food writing this blog makes me wonder about my own situation. In all my relationships (not many), I never had to rely on sheer faith to keep us together. Its a scary thing too. With the situation being as it is (he's away at college), I get scared everyday that it might be the day things end. I mean with him being "busy" with whatever he's doing, i don't really get a good fair chance to speak to him. Its easy for me to feel as if I'm being pushed aside. I don't really say much. I don't want to be a burden but sheesh can a sister feel some type of love over here (seriously). I'm not used to being away from him for such a long time and i don't think he understands how deep it cuts. Like I've spoke to his brother more (whose down north Carolina (LOVE YOU RAY!) and left earlier than him) than i have him. I mean he says "i love you" and "i miss you" and i believe him but i mean i guess we're just at different levels of "love" and "miss". Cant force anyone to see things your way i guess. All i want is to feel as if he never left, if that's even possible. If it isn't, then just give me, for a split second (OK maybe more than that), the peace of mind that things will be OK. Oh yeah and to add on to the freaking anxiety of that, I'm going off to college my self next year. LIKE WTF WILL HAPPEN THEN!!!???!!! Maybe I'm holding on to strong. Or maybe I'm holding on to something i shouldn't. I don't know but I'm going to continue holding on until my arms fall off. I love him. That much i know. Don't know where I'll end up, but i know in the end it'll be a lesson learned. (I LOVE HIM 6-3-07)